2 days after the eventual publication of the long awaited Moriarty Tribunal Report, Mr. “Justice” Moriarty has given a clear indication that his Tribuning days are not yet over. Speaking on the steps of the Four Courts after the publication of his largely useless tome “Justice” was asked to comment on reports that he has been asked to head up a new investigation into the bleedin’ obvious. “While my time with this investigation has been rich and rewarding it has become clear to me that there are other pressing issues, who’s results and recommendations are as plain as the nose on your face, that may require my looking into.” Though he wouldn’t be drawn fully on what those matters might be sources close to “Justice” have said that he is already deeply involved in an investigation into whether bears do indeed defecate in woodland areas.
Fourteen years, €100 million, two thousand pages and zero criminal convictions since its inception the Moriarty Tribunal may have finally ground to a halt, but it’s empowered namesake has refused to bow, and insists that he will continue the charge into clearly charted territory. “Sometimes the basic things, the most transparent, are the things we need to question, and I intend to continue my pursuit of, and investigation into the patently obvious”.
Reports suggest that “Justice” hit upon the idea for his next Tribunal while conducting a Tribunal into the Tribunal process itself. As recently as last May, when the Tribunal’s solicitors were frantically clocking more billable hours than there are in the day, “Justice” stated that “The Tribunal process is, in essence, a complete waste of time, I mean look at what we’re doing here. Spending over a decade and millions in taxpayers money trying to “prove” (does that finger thing) that a businessman paid a politician for a favour. We’re not proving anything! When we’re done the Gardaí will have to start from scratch anyway, so what’s the fucking point? Did O’ Brien pay for the license, come on... Does a bear shit in the woods? Wait a minute... Hey guys, I think we got our next gig!”
Despite the fact that many of the individuals “nudge nudge wink winked” in the Moriarty report are back in power for the first time since the Tribunal began it seems that work on “Justices” new crusade is to begin almost without delay. Tony Fitzroy, heading up the new legal team under “Justice”, and resplendent in a suit of pure 24k gold, told reporters today that “the people of Ireland want this question answered. The bears of Ireland want this question answered, and whatever Government is in power by the time we’re done charging them, will also require some kind of half-arsed response, so we best get to work”.
Opposition parties were quick to decry this latest exercise in pointlessness as an attempt by an already under-siege new Government to bury the “truths” unearthed by Moriarty. Fianna Fail Leader Michael Martin was unavailable for comment as he felt vertiginous due to his rapid and unexpected ascension to the moral high ground, a position not held by any Fianna Fail Leader in over thirty years. While Sinn Fein leader and all round Good Egg, Gerry Adams would only thrum throatily while stroking a cat perched on his lap. Newly elected Taoiseach and Tanaiste duo Kenny Gilmore made a hurriedly tweeted statement about “being too busy with, you know, governmenty type stuff, to read 2,000 pages of useless waffle”.
The findings of the new report are expected early in the next century.
