Across the world yesterday millions tuned in to watch commoner garden waif Kate/Catherine Middleton fulfil her dream of becoming a princess by marrying dashing helicopter pilot and heir to the British throne William “Son of Diana, Don’t Mention Charles” Windsor. But while the wide-eyed masses oohed and aahed at the lavish ceremony hosted at their expense, up and down the length and breadth of Britain and Ireland brides-to-be were clambering over themselves to decry this selfish act of wedding day terrorism.
Angela Lansbury, 26, was already six months into planning her nuptials when the date for the Royal Gala was announced. “I was fucking sick!” Angela explained yesterday, as she was being doused in Victoria Beckham’s signature perfume just before being herded into a rented Renault Megane that would take her to her date with destiny, “I mean, what a bitch. This day was supposed to be about me. MEEE!! But NOOOO. I even caught me fuckin MA lookin’ at pictures on her phone during me vows.”
Angela’s howls of anguish were echoed by women across Britain and Ireland yesterday as their ‘big day’ was shown up as being really rather small, tawdry, and frankly insignificant. Brides of Frank creator and professional wedding planner Paul Quinn, 52, (“I can’t believe you printed that” [ed].) summed it up yesterday. “In wedding terms, the big RW is like an effing freight train, like in that film, Speed. NO, forget that. It’s a tsu-nami, yah. Completely fucking devastating to anything in its path, yah”. While one of his clients demanded that all televisions in the hotel be removed, covered or at least swtitched to Songs Of Praise, another, PR guru Safi Tamara Piñata Hershey-O’Jones, 34, flatly refused to leave her hotel until something could be done about that “jumped up little stewardess”. “She was hopping mad. Like literally hopping”, explained Quinn, “She’s all, “I mean who does she think she is? She’s not even proper posh! There are 300 people arriving here in an hour, I have the doves the Beckhams used, I have KEITH BARRY booked to perform at eight, but it’ll be all Kate n’ Will this and Kate n’ Will that, just cause they got Elton bleedin’ John!! She’s a fu...”, well you can guess the rest. I was like, Jeez louise, take a fucking Valium love, it’s ONLY A WEDDING, yah know? But she’s been planning it since the womb, so...”.
While emotions were understandably running high with Brides across the nations, even some of the bridesmaids were seen wearing looks of consternation during their respective ceremonies, with many having to ask, ‘just who the hell this Pippa girl’ was and ‘what was so bloody special’ about her that everyone felt the need to compare? One embittered bridesmaid was even heard responding “I mean if she was that bloody special he’d be doffing her wouldn’t he? Hmmm, makes you wonder, I mean, well, you know...”.
However, while the brides and bridesmaids were pulling their expensively sculpted hair-dos out in fury yesterday the Best Men of the Britain and Ireland were collectively having a good laugh as they surveyed William’s brother, Harry “Son Of Diana, Don’t Mention Charles, No Really, Don’t” Windsor, standing by his rapidly balding brother in what appeared to be his Dad’s army uniform. “He looked like he’d been shrunk in the wash”, one best man joked, “except his hair, which was still, like, massive! But Will has, like, no hair. Hmmm, funny that. Makes you wonder, I mean, well, you know...”.
Buckingham Palace was still too sloshed today to comment.
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